The
road to a successful career in interpreting is not always
strewn with roses. Mastering language and the craft of
interpreting may be just a beginning. One of the hindrances
of this profession is dealing with competition that will on
occasion resort to cunning and deceit. The methods used by
crafty competitors are universal and could be compared to
horse-training techniques. Some useful illustrations may
also be borrowed from another related profession, that of
speaking in tongues.
It
is generally assumed that in order to become a successful
speaker in tongues you have to go to an elite school in
Cairo or Haiti, have many years of practice at a junior
level, and then graduate to those rarefied heights,
attainable only to select few, namely, performing in front
of a large congregation.
One
of the first rules of successful career in speaking in
tongues is to accumulate all sorts of credentials and
references that may seem superfluous to the uninitiated, but
can become a veritable goldmine to those who understand
tricks of the trade. Become a member of as many groups,
churches and organisations as you can. Get invitations as a
speaker, particularly if you don't actually have to provide
bilingual examples of speaking in tongues, in case there may
be people in the audience who channel your languages
fluently. Accumulate references from even minor
organisations, such as community groups and colleges, where
you may be invited to perform. Ingratiate yourself with as
many of your more gifted colleagues as you can, so that when
time comes and you will need endorsements and references you
will have plenty to draw upon.
Remember
that many people who work in this demanding field are rather
naïve, despite their extraordinary knowledge of other
worlds, and are willing to help a novice colleague, not
suspecting that in time he or she might become a fierce
competitor.
When
you have finally come to the point that you're allowed to
practice speaking in tongues publicly, you will have to use
more elaborate strategies and ruses. You have to develop a
special patter that will be a mixture of hesitancy and
ingratiation, while at the same time giving a semblance of
fluency (Note 1).
Most
people will have difficulty in deciding whether it is the
faulty loudspeaker, their own hearing, or the halting speech
of the spirit you are channelling. At any rate, by the time
they finish pondering on these topics, the performance is
over and they can begin concentrating on more important
matters, such as the long-awaited coffee break.
It
will be most important for you to present yourself to your
congregation during informal breaks and/or evening cocktails
and dinners. Try to be helpful in their extracurricular
activities such as shopping. Most people, once they have
become familiar with you, will be averse to judging you too
harshly or making an official complaint.
Another
very important trick is not to be the first speaker at the
start of the session. Initial impressions are important, and
if the audience hears poor quality speaking in tongues in
the beginning, this will be a cause for complaint.
Therefore, if you are the first in line to begin speaking,
you must use every trick you can, such as dropping your
microphone, fumbling with your hair, pretending to be
finishing a snack, or anything you can think of, so that
your more conscientious and diligent colleagues will start
channelling instead of you. After the initial impression has
been formed, your own performance will be less important.
When
engaging in xenoglossia (the speaking of an
actual foreign language) try to avoid using commonly
understood languages such as Pidgin English. If you have to
do bilingual speaking in tongues, use every trick you know
in order to limit your potential exposure. Arrange it so
that your colleagues will do most of speaking into broken
English. If all fails, you can simply “throw the switch” to
your colleague, so that he or she will have no choice but to
start speaking, because if they don't, there will be an
embarrassing silence and maybe a complaint.
It
is extremely important to ingratiate yourself as much as
possible with people who are truly important in the game of
speaking in tongues, that is, agents/priests and
contractors-speaker-in-tongues. More often than not, they
will not speak a particular language that you speak and will
therefore have no knowledge about the quality of your
channelling. Remember, they are only human, and will
therefore appreciate every bit of flattery, accommodation,
I-am-not-the-one-to-rock-the-boat impression, and general
pleasantries portraying a person who is easy-going and a
“good team member”. Once you become accepted, it will be
easy for you to manipulate the composition of the team, so
that you will have only those people who either do not care
about the quality of speaking in tongues, or are so grateful
to be invited on the team that they will cooperate with your
tactics fully.
But
perhaps the most important choice you will make is the
choice of languages. Try to choose languages that are not
broadly known. If you find that Zulu or Pashtu are either
beyond your ken or do not have enough aesthetic appeal, you
can always try xenoglossy - speaking in a
natural language that was previously unknown. If you think
this is too cheeky, try Albanian or Slovene. Most people
regard these and similar tongues so obscure that they will
be grateful to get any exposure to them at all. Conversely,
the spirits you channel will be so thankful that their
languages are being recognised and that the organisers of
the session have made an effort and have gone to the expense
of paying for professional speaker in their tongues, that
they are unlikely to complain. When all fails, demand to
speak in front of a deaf audience (see cartoon). Practicing
echolalia (Note 2) in front of a deaf (or
stunned) audience produces a curious effect known as
"deafening silence”.
And
if they still complain, remember, all water finally runs
under the bridge, contractors-speaker-in-tongues and
agents/priests move on or get replaced, and the weight of
evidence you have accumulated as a “star” speaker in tongues
will, hopefully, nullify any temporary inconvenience of a
localized complaint.
And
so bon voyage, my aspiring speaker in tongues! Let your less
practical colleagues languish in their ivory towers, talking
to their elitist spirits, while you get all the really juicy
jobs and the resultant adulation of the masses (and the
financial rewards that come with it).
There
is a saying: it is not what you know, or even the spirits
you channel, but how you can manipulate the crowd that you
are channelling to!
Note 1: Uttering gibberish that is interpreted as
profound or even mystical insight is an ancient practice. In
Greece, even the priest of Apollo, god of light, engaged in
prophetic babbling. The ancient Israelites did it. So did
the Jansenists, the Quakers, the Methodists, and the
Shakers. (From “The Sceptics Dictionary”,
http://skepdic.com/glossol.html
)
Note 2: Meaningless repetition of words or sentences
spoken by another person
For visual demonstration please Google “Katherine Tate,
Translator” i.e.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zdf2eLeCLHI
)
Additional useful information can be found in
Articles under the titles of “Collecting Rent in the
Tower of Babel” and “Interpreting in the City of Dreams”.
